Still Nothing

Loafer · 03-15-2018, 02:59 PM

A guy walks into the doctor’s office and says, “Doc, I haven’t had a bowel movement in a week!” The doctor gives him a prescription for a mild laxative and tells him, “If it doesn’t work, let me know.”

A week later the guy is back: “Doc, still no movement!”

The doctor says, “Hmm, guess you need something stronger,” and prescribes a powerful laxative.

Still another week later the poor guy is back: “Doc, STILL nothing!”

The doctor, worried, says, “We’d better get some more information about you to try to figure out what’s going on. What do you do for a living?”

“I’m a musician.”

The doctor looks up and says, “Well, that’s it! Here’s $10.00. Go get something to eat!”

The Black Knight · 03-15-2018, 04:33 PM

Demolition Man · 03-16-2018, 11:02 AM

LOL !

Just heard a good one from my italian work collegue :

A small duck is walking by an alligator and asks him : What I am ? I don't know what I am ?

The gator looked at the small duck and said : You are a small duck !#

The duck is so happy cauz it knows what it is. Seconds later the gator asks the duck : So, do YOU know what I am ?

The duck looked at him and said :
You are not tall, you have a big tail, short arm & legs, wearing a leather jacket, doing nothing the whole day ?
Hmmm, you must be ITALIAN ! ! !

HAVE FUN !

Cu,
Sven

The Black Knight · 03-16-2018, 04:31 PM

Sven

Are you sure your colleague is italian?
He seems too stupid .... or maybe he drank too many beers.
An Italian abroad never offends his Country and his countrymen.

NEVER!

Have a nice day, my friend.

Demolition Man · 03-17-2018, 04:35 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by The Black Knight

Sven

Are you sure your colleague is italian?
He seems too stupid .... or maybe he drank too many beers.
An Italian abroad never offends his Country and his countrymen.

NEVER!

Have a nice day, my friend.

YES, he is ! He is from south italy and he says, it is just a joke, not for real !
Humor is, if you can laugh about yourself !

He is a very good colleague, helpful, friendly and mostly anytime telling you some good german AND italian jokes !

Cu,
Sven

The Black Knight · 03-17-2018, 08:27 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Demolition Man

YES, he is ! He is from south italy and he says, it is just a joke, not for real !
Humor is, if you can laugh about yourself !

He is a very good colleague, helpful, friendly and mostly anytime telling you some good german AND italian jokes !

Cu,
Sven

Dear Sven

Only for clarity

"You are not tall, you have a big tail, short arm & legs, wearing a leather jacket, doing nothing the whole day ? Hmmm, you must be ITALIAN ! ! !"

I am one of the millions of Italians (with same somatic characteristics of the other European peoples, Germans included) who work hard and honestly here in Italy every day of their lives... here in Italy, in spite of all the problems and defects of our southern regions, not in the rich, industrious and lucky Germany. Please remember this to your good, helpful, friendly and "germanized" southern italian colleague and the meaning of the word RESPECT.
As you can see looking my messages I never make fun of my friends as Germans, Englishmen, Americans, Frenchmen and so on. I don't know their problems and sometimes there is a very thin border between a joke and an insult.

However:

"... it is just a joke, not for real !
Humor is, if you can laugh about yourself !

"

If this is humour for you I am sure you will post some jokes about German people, I don't know them and I will read them with curiosity.

Have a nice day!

Demolition Man · 03-17-2018, 09:45 AM

For sure, I have no probleme with jokes about germans (besides the typical thinking about germany, like leathershorts, a tiroler hat, drinking beer all day from a 1 liter beer mug, etc.) , so there are alot of them, but most of them you will have problems to translate them into english, cauz then you will miss the point of laugh - same when you try to translate english sayings into german. But I will try :

An american and a german engineer have a bet, who will build a 100 floor skyscraper first.

After 3 month the american engineer is writing an email to his german bet-buddy and wrote : only 3 more floors and we are ready !

The german wrote back : Only 3 more papers at the town hall and we start building.

Not the best one, but . . .

Cu,
Sven

Demolition Man · 03-17-2018, 10:06 AM

A few more :

How many germans do you need for changing a bulb ? Only one, cauz they are effecient and have no humor.

The german ex-chancelor Schroeder and actual chancelor Merkel meet in the stomach of Donald Trump. Schroeder says, that Trump guy ate me up with everything and you ? Merkel says, I dont know, I came from the other side.

A survey somewhere in Berlin :
What do you think is the bigger german problem - ignorance or indifference
Answer :
I dont know, but I dont care !

How do you make a German chocolate cake?
First, you occupy their kitchen.

What’s cannibalism?
Germans eating pork.

What is the difference between the Dresden bombing and Germany’s best comedian? Only the first one can make you smile.

The Germans are such a cruel and inhuman race, they have no word for “fluffy.”

Germans make fast automobiles because anything that *doesn’t* move
fast enough in Germany is in danger of getting ground up into sausage.

Why are so many Germans born by C-section?
Ever try to get a square head through a round hole?

Do you know why Germans build such high-quality products?
So they won’t have to go around being nice while they fix them.

What is the definition of the European Heaven?
British humour, French food, German technology.

And the European Hell?
British food, German humour, French technology.

What do you get when you cross a Mexican and a German?
A Beaner-Schnitzel

Heard about the new German-Chinese restaurant?
The food is great, but an hour later, you’re hungry for power.

What’s the difference between a German and a shopping trolley?
A shopping trolley has a mind of its own.

Why are there so many tree lined streets and leafy lanes in France?
Germans like to march in the shade.

Why do Germans pay 6 marks for a haircut?
One mark for each side.

A german enters a Dutch pharmacy and asks why all flags are at half-mast.
“Ist die Koenigin tot, oder so etwas?”
(“What happened? Is the queen dead?”)
The pharmacist replies that this is to the honour of the people who died in
World War II.
“Ja, aber bei uns sind auch viele getoetet worden.”
(“Many Germans died, too.”)
“Ja, ich weiss, das feiern wir morgen.”
(“I know. We will celebrate this tomorrow.”)

Three guys are debating about which of their languages is the most
pleasing to the ear.
The Spaniard says, “Consider the word for ‘butterfly’. In Spanish,
this is Mariposa, a beautiful sounding word.”
The French guy says, “True, but Papillon is even more beautiful”.
“What’s wrong with Schmetterling?”, says the German….

One day Hitler decided to go to a psychic and found to find out
what day he would die. After looking though her crystal ball, the
psychic replied, “Mein Fuhrer, you shall die on a Jewish Holiday.”
Hitler was shocked! He said “Well which holiday is it?”
The psychic replied “Mein Fuhrer, the day that you die will
always be a Jewish Holiday.”

The Black Knight · 03-17-2018, 10:59 AM

"An american and a german engineer have a bet, who will build a 100 floor skyscraper first.

After 3 month the american engineer is writing an email to his german bet-buddy and wrote : only 3 more floors and we are ready !

The german wrote back : Only 3 more papers at the town hall and we start building."

A good one!

...... But you are lucky!

Here, after three months, you have to send in to your Town Hall 3 more papers not for a 100 floor skyscraper but for a box for your car. Then you have to wait again days ... weeks ..... months. You go several times to the Town Hall to ask if there are news about your file and the answer is: "you must be patient, it's only a question of few days". One beautiful day, you find an advice from the Town Hall in your mail box and you think "this is the day!". You go very hopeful to the technical office of your Town Hall where a municipal employee says to you : "In the last technical meeting, two weeks ago, the building commission decided a change of the area plan for building. For this reason you have to send in 2 more papers with revenue stamps and wait the required time for the possible authorization....."

03-15-2018, 02:59 PM	#1
Loafer Sr. Contributor Join Date: Dec 2008 Posts: 18,287	Still Nothing A guy walks into the doctor’s office and says, “Doc, I haven’t had a bowel movement in a week!” The doctor gives him a prescription for a mild laxative and tells him, “If it doesn’t work, let me know.” A week later the guy is back: “Doc, still no movement!” The doctor says, “Hmm, guess you need something stronger,” and prescribes a powerful laxative. Still another week later the poor guy is back: “Doc, STILL nothing!” The doctor, worried, says, “We’d better get some more information about you to try to figure out what’s going on. What do you do for a living?” “I’m a musician.” The doctor looks up and says, “Well, that’s it! Here’s $10.00. Go get something to eat!” __________________ Gerry Martineau / 802 VT / VBA #0892 /[email]glmjgm@gmail.com[email]

03-15-2018, 04:33 PM	#2
The Black Knight Top Contributor Join Date: Nov 2013 Location: Italy Posts: 6,243	__________________ VBA 02514 - VROC 35394 VN 800 A - VN 900 Classic VN 1700 Vaquero Usque ad finem.

03-16-2018, 11:02 AM	#3
Demolition Man Member Join Date: Mar 2016 Location: Hannover, Germany Posts: 380	LOL ! Just heard a good one from my italian work collegue : A small duck is walking by an alligator and asks him : What I am ? I don't know what I am ? The gator looked at the small duck and said : You are a small duck !# The duck is so happy cauz it knows what it is. Seconds later the gator asks the duck : So, do YOU know what I am ? The duck looked at him and said : You are not tall, you have a big tail, short arm & legs, wearing a leather jacket, doing nothing the whole day ? Hmmm, you must be ITALIAN ! ! ! HAVE FUN ! Cu, Sven __________________ "Democracy is two wolves and a lamb deciding what to have for dinner. Liberty is a well-armed lamb." - Benjamin Franklin MY LIFE - MY RULES ! 2018 Indian Roadmaster

03-16-2018, 04:31 PM	#4
The Black Knight Top Contributor Join Date: Nov 2013 Location: Italy Posts: 6,243	Sven Are you sure your colleague is italian? He seems too stupid .... or maybe he drank too many beers. An Italian abroad never offends his Country and his countrymen. NEVER! Have a nice day, my friend. __________________ VBA 02514 - VROC 35394 VN 800 A - VN 900 Classic VN 1700 Vaquero Usque ad finem. Last edited by The Black Knight; 03-16-2018 at 08:38 PM.

03-17-2018, 09:45 AM	#7
Demolition Man Member Join Date: Mar 2016 Location: Hannover, Germany Posts: 380	For sure, I have no probleme with jokes about germans (besides the typical thinking about germany, like leathershorts, a tiroler hat, drinking beer all day from a 1 liter beer mug, etc.) , so there are alot of them, but most of them you will have problems to translate them into english, cauz then you will miss the point of laugh - same when you try to translate english sayings into german. But I will try : An american and a german engineer have a bet, who will build a 100 floor skyscraper first. After 3 month the american engineer is writing an email to his german bet-buddy and wrote : only 3 more floors and we are ready ! The german wrote back : Only 3 more papers at the town hall and we start building. Not the best one, but . . . Cu, Sven __________________ "Democracy is two wolves and a lamb deciding what to have for dinner. Liberty is a well-armed lamb." - Benjamin Franklin MY LIFE - MY RULES ! 2018 Indian Roadmaster

03-17-2018, 10:06 AM	#8
Demolition Man Member Join Date: Mar 2016 Location: Hannover, Germany Posts: 380	A few more : How many germans do you need for changing a bulb ? Only one, cauz they are effecient and have no humor. The german ex-chancelor Schroeder and actual chancelor Merkel meet in the stomach of Donald Trump. Schroeder says, that Trump guy ate me up with everything and you ? Merkel says, I dont know, I came from the other side. A survey somewhere in Berlin : What do you think is the bigger german problem - ignorance or indifference Answer : I dont know, but I dont care ! How do you make a German chocolate cake? First, you occupy their kitchen. What’s cannibalism? Germans eating pork. What is the difference between the Dresden bombing and Germany’s best comedian? Only the first one can make you smile. The Germans are such a cruel and inhuman race, they have no word for “fluffy.” Germans make fast automobiles because anything that doesn’t move fast enough in Germany is in danger of getting ground up into sausage. Why are so many Germans born by C-section? Ever try to get a square head through a round hole? Do you know why Germans build such high-quality products? So they won’t have to go around being nice while they fix them. What is the definition of the European Heaven? British humour, French food, German technology. And the European Hell? British food, German humour, French technology. What do you get when you cross a Mexican and a German? A Beaner-Schnitzel Heard about the new German-Chinese restaurant? The food is great, but an hour later, you’re hungry for power. What’s the difference between a German and a shopping trolley? A shopping trolley has a mind of its own. Why are there so many tree lined streets and leafy lanes in France? Germans like to march in the shade. Why do Germans pay 6 marks for a haircut? One mark for each side. A german enters a Dutch pharmacy and asks why all flags are at half-mast. “Ist die Koenigin tot, oder so etwas?” (“What happened? Is the queen dead?”) The pharmacist replies that this is to the honour of the people who died in World War II. “Ja, aber bei uns sind auch viele getoetet worden.” (“Many Germans died, too.”) “Ja, ich weiss, das feiern wir morgen.” (“I know. We will celebrate this tomorrow.”) Three guys are debating about which of their languages is the most pleasing to the ear. The Spaniard says, “Consider the word for ‘butterfly’. In Spanish, this is Mariposa, a beautiful sounding word.” The French guy says, “True, but Papillon is even more beautiful”. “What’s wrong with Schmetterling?”, says the German…. One day Hitler decided to go to a psychic and found to find out what day he would die. After looking though her crystal ball, the psychic replied, “Mein Fuhrer, you shall die on a Jewish Holiday.” Hitler was shocked! He said “Well which holiday is it?” The psychic replied “Mein Fuhrer, the day that you die will always be a Jewish Holiday.” __________________ "Democracy is two wolves and a lamb deciding what to have for dinner. Liberty is a well-armed lamb." - Benjamin Franklin MY LIFE - MY RULES ! 2018 Indian Roadmaster

03-17-2018, 10:59 AM	#9
The Black Knight Top Contributor Join Date: Nov 2013 Location: Italy Posts: 6,243	"An american and a german engineer have a bet, who will build a 100 floor skyscraper first. After 3 month the american engineer is writing an email to his german bet-buddy and wrote : only 3 more floors and we are ready ! The german wrote back : Only 3 more papers at the town hall and we start building." A good one! ...... But you are lucky! Here, after three months, you have to send in to your Town Hall 3 more papers not for a 100 floor skyscraper but for a box for your car. Then you have to wait again days ... weeks ..... months. You go several times to the Town Hall to ask if there are news about your file and the answer is: "you must be patient, it's only a question of few days". One beautiful day, you find an advice from the Town Hall in your mail box and you think "this is the day!". You go very hopeful to the technical office of your Town Hall where a municipal employee says to you : "In the last technical meeting, two weeks ago, the building commission decided a change of the area plan for building. For this reason you have to send in 2 more papers with revenue stamps and wait the required time for the possible authorization....." __________________ VBA 02514 - VROC 35394 VN 800 A - VN 900 Classic VN 1700 Vaquero Usque ad finem. Last edited by The Black Knight; 03-18-2018 at 05:49 PM.