Qantas Pilots

[BrokeAss]

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet", which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by pilots (marked with a "P"); and the solutions recorded (marked with an "S") by maintenance engineers.

By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last .............

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget

[gmartin]

Funniest thing I've read in a long time, thanks for posting.

[The Black Knight]

[duffy]

24 years in Naval aviation.....they have the same procedure after flights, however, they have very little sense of humor. Making funnies out of the aircrew comments was not allowed. Too bad........they made some odd comments at times.

[mike58]

Can't stop laughing they funner and funner as i went down. Thanks for posting.

[rick6375]

Had a warrant officer complain about his headset intermittingly cutting out on one side. The speakers wires were connected to each side by studs with nuts to tighten them. One of the nuts was loose causing the wire to loose connection. The crew chief was given a stern warning about how he wrote up the corrective actions in the log book after he fixed this issue and wrote "Loose nut between pilots headset".